Here in Brazil, we are used to saying "you are speaking Greek" (in Portuguese, "você está falando grego") to someone when you don't understand anything they are saying, when their tongue is not really clear, it is difficult to understand. Abroad, English speakers have a similiar expression, "you are speaking Dutch", with the same meaning.

Once, a Dutch school teacher and author, Dr. Gerard Nolst Trenité (1870-1946), also known under the pseudonym Charivarius, returned the compliment when he wrote a long poem, The Chaos, which shows that English is not that easy in spelling and pronunciation.

This poem was first published in Amsterdam as an appendix to the fourth edition of his schoolbook Drop Your Foreign Accent: engelsche uitspraakoefeningen (Haarlem: H D Tjeenk Willink & Zoon, 1920). Since the publication of that edition, the poem had been expanded. So many different versions have been in circulation in so many different countries. The first edition had only 146 lines. The newest edition, made by the Spelling Society in 1994, as a compilation of the various modifications made to the poem as the time passed by, has 274 lines and contains about 800 of the worst irregularities in English spelling and pronunciation.

Now we are going to see the Spelling Society's version of The Chaos. Here goes the full poem, with the confusing words printed in bolds:

Dearest creature in creation

Studying English pronunciation,

I will teach you in my verse

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.



I will keep you, Susy, busy,

Make your head with heat grow dizzy;

Tear in eye, your dress you'll tear;

Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.



Pray, console your loving poet,

Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!

Just compare heart, hear and heard,

Dies and diet, lord and word.



Sword and sward, retain and Britain

(Mind the latter how it's written).

Made has not the sound of bade,

Say - said, pay - paid, laid but plaid.



Now I surely will not plague you

With such words as vague and ague,

But be careful how you speak,

Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak,



Previous, precious, fuchsia, via

Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;

Woven, oven, how and low,

Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.



Say, expecting fraud and trickery:

Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,

Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,

Missiles, similes, reviles.



Wholly, holly, signal, signing,

Same, examining, but mining,

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war and far.



From "desire": desirable - admirable from "admire",

Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,

Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,

Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,



One, anemone, Balmoral,

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.

Gertrude, German, wind and wind,

Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,



Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,

Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.

This phonetic labyrinth

Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.



Have you ever yet endeavoured

To pronounce revered and severed,

Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,

Peter, petrol and patrol?



Billet does not end like ballet;

Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

Blood and flood are not like food,

Nor is mould like should and would.



Banquet is not nearly parquet,

Which exactly rhymes with khaki.

Discount, viscount, load and broad,

Toward, to forward, to reward,



Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?

Right! Your pronunciation's OK.

Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

Friend and fiend, alive and live.



Is your R correct in higher?

Keats asserts it rhymes with Thalia.

Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot,

Buoyant, minute, but minute.



Say abscission with precision,

Now: position and transition;

Would it tally with my rhyme

If I mentioned paradigm?



Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,

But cease, crease, grease and greasy?

Cornice, nice, valise, revise,

Rabies, but lullabies.



Of such puzzling words as nauseous,

Rhyming well with cautious, tortious,

You'll envelop lists, I hope,

In a linen envelope.



Would you like some more? You'll have it!

Affidavit, David, davit.

To abjure, to perjure. Sheik

Does not sound like Czech but ache.



Liberty, library, heave and heaven,

Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.

We say hallowed, but allowed,

People, leopard, towed but vowed.



Mark the difference, moreover,

Between mover, plover, Dover.

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

Chalice, but police and lice,



Camel, constable, unstable,

Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, penal, and canal,

Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,



Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit

Rhyme with "shirk it" and "beyond it",

But it is not hard to tell

Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.



Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,

Timber, climber, bullion, lion,

Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,

Senator, spectator, mayor,



Ivy, privy, famous; clamour

Has the A of drachm and hammer.

Pussy, hussy and possess,

Desert, but desert, address.



Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants

Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants.

Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,

Cow, but Cowper, some and home.



"Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker",

Quoth he, "than liqueur or liquor",

Making, it is sad but true,

In bravado, much ado.



Stranger does not rhyme with anger,

Neither does devour with clangour.

Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt,

Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.



Arsenic, specific, scenic,

Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.

Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close,

Paradise, rise, rose, and dose.



Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,

Make the latter rhyme with eagle.

Mind! Meandering but mean,

Valentine and magazine.



And I bet you, dear, a penny,

You say mani-(fold) like many,

Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,

Tier (one who ties), but tier.



Arch, archangel; pray, does erring

Rhyme with herring or with stirring?

Prison, bison, treasure trove,

Treason, hover, cover, cove,



Perseverance, severance. Ribald

Rhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled.

Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,

Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.



Don't be down, my own, but rough it,

And distinguish buffet, buffet;

Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,

Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn.



Say in sounds correct and sterling

Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.

Evil, devil, mezzotint,

Mind the z! (A gentle hint.)



Now you need not pay attention

To such sounds as I don't mention,

Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws,

Rhyming with the pronoun yours;



Nor are proper names included,

Though I often heard, as you did,

Funny rhymes to unicorn,

Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.



No, my maiden, coy and comely,

I don't want to speak of Cholmondeley.

No. Yet Froude compared with proud

Is no better than McLeod.



But mind trivial and vial,

Tripod, menial, denial,

Troll and trolley, realm and ream,

Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme.



Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely

May be made to rhyme with Raleigh,

But you're not supposed to say

Piquet rhymes with sobriquet.



Had this invalid invalid

Worthless documents? How pallid,

How uncouth he, couchant, looked,

When for Portsmouth I had booked!



Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,

Paramour, enamoured, flighty,

Episodes, antipodes,

Acquiesce, and obsequies.



Please don't monkey with the geyser,

Don't peel 'taters with my razor,

Rather say in accents pure:

Nature, stature and mature.



Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,

Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,

Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,

Wan, sedan and artisan.



The TH will surely trouble you

More than R, CH or W.

Say then these phonetic gems:

Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.



Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham,

There are more but I forget 'em -

Wait! I've got it: Anthony,

Lighten your anxiety.



The archaic word albeit

Does not rhyme with eight - you see it;

With and forthwith, one has voice,

One has not, you make your choice.



Shoes, goes, does [1]. Now first say: finger;

Then say: singer, ginger, linger.

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge,

Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,



Hero, heron, query, very,

Parry, tarry, fury, bury,

Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth,

Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.



Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners,

Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners

Holm you know, but noes, canoes,

Puisne, truism, use, to use?



Though the difference seems little,

We say actual, but victual,

Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,

Put, nut, granite, and unite



Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,

Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,

Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.



Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,

Science, conscience, scientific;

Tour, but our, dour, succour, four,

Gas, alas, and Arkansas.



Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit,

Next omit, which differs from it

Bona fide, alibi

Gyrate, dowry and awry.



Sea, idea, guinea, area,

Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,

Doctrine, turpentine, marine.



Compare alien with Italian,

Dandelion with battalion,

Rally with ally; yea, ye,

Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay!



Say aver, but ever, fever,

Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.

Never guess - it is not safe,

We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.



Starry, granary, canary,

Crevice, but device, and eyrie,

Face, but preface, then grimace,

Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.



Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,

Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging;

Ear, but earn; and ere and tear

Do not rhyme with here but heir.



Mind the O of off and often

Which may be pronounced as orphan,

With the sound of saw and sauce;

Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.



Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?

Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.

Respite, spite, consent, resent.

Liable, but Parliament.



Seven is right, but so is even,

Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,

Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk,

Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.



A of valour, vapid, vapour,

S of news (compare newspaper),

G of gibbet, gibbon, gist,

I of antichrist and grist,



Differ like diverse and divers,

Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.

Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll,

Polish, Polish, poll and poll.



Pronunciation - think of Psyche! -

Is a paling, stout and spiky.

Won't it make you lose your wits

Writing groats and saying 'grits'?



It's a dark abyss or tunnel

Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,

Islington, and Isle of Wight,

Housewife, verdict and indict.



Don't you think so, reader, rather,

Saying lather, bather, father?

Finally, which rhymes with enough,

Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough??



Hiccough has the sound of sup...

My advice is: GIVE IT UP!



Notes:

[1] No, you're wrong. This is the plural of doe.

If you want to know more about this poem, you can take a look at this page. There's also a page on the Internet with the phonetical transcription of the first verses of the poem, in both British and American English pronunciation.

This my first post in this blog (and the first post of the blog, as well). It's nice to open the English tips and hints blog with this fabulous poem!

The English Lesson is a poem frequently quoted on the Internet which shows us some crazy things of the English language, beginning with the irregular plural form of some nouns and going on the differences in the pronunciation of some similar words.

Reading this poem is difficult even to the most experienced speakers of the language. So, if you have problems doing that, don't worry. Even native speakers get confused when they try to read this poem.

Here goes the full poem, with the confusing words highlighted:

We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes;

But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

 

You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,

But the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

 

The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,

But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.

And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,

But I give a boot--would a pair be called beet?

 

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

If the singular is this and plural is these,

Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be called kese?

 

Then one may be that, and three may be those,

Yet the plural of hat would never be hose;

We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

 

The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

So our English, I think you will all agree,

Is the trickiest language you ever did see.

 

I take it you already know

Of tough and bough and cough and dough?

Others may stumble, but not you

On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through?

 

Well done! And now you wish, perhaps

To learn of less familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word

That looks like beard and sounds like bird.

 

And dead; it's said like bed, not bead;

For goodness' sake, don't call it deed!

Watch out for meat and great and threat.

(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.)

 

A moth is not a moth in mother,

Nor both in bother, broth in brother.

And here is not a match for there.

And dear and fear for bear and pear.

 

And then there's close and rose and lose--

Just look them up--and goose and choose.

And cork and work and card and ward,

And font and front and word and sword.

 

And do and go, then thwart and cart.

Come, come, I've hardly made a start.

A dreadful language? Why, man alive,

I'd learned to talk it when I was five,

 

. . . And yet to write it, the more I tried,

I hadn't learned it at fifty-five!

Unfortunately, no one seems to know the name of the genius who composed it.

If you want to know more about other versions of this poem, you can take a look at this page.